something bigger than yourself

today is the three year anniversary of my father's passing ... he was 60 ... i turned 40 just a couple of months ago ... if i had had a child at 23 like my father did, then i would have a senior in high school right now ... that is unimaginable to me. at 23, i was in paris; i know to whom i'd be married.

my father died from esophageal cancer and bone cancer ... he had always had bad heartburn ... in march his shoulder started hurting, in august he was diagnosed, and in october he passed ... he didn't smoke, drink alcohol, take drugs, work near toxic chemicals or mine. the only thing i can think of is he drank a lot of diet sodas.

outcomes like that tell me that you must always follow your dream, follow your passion ... be true to yourself ... because you just might get that first fatal ache tomorrow or suffer a heart attack today at lunch.

if you can be gone so quickly, then always be fighting for something bigger than yourself.

i imagine that is the purpose for having children ... for continuation ... but if both commitments begin at the same time, and i must choose between one or the other, then i will follow my path first, and worry about having children second.

RECs and solar in New Mexico, baby! ... Unfortunately, a new beginning does require an ending, first.

Next up: the ending.

prowler beware

yesterday i strung up some fishing line inside the gate where i thought a possible intruder had entered the ranch house yard ... today, the line was broken ...

so i went to town and borrowed one of [the rancher's] city dogs, one that likes to bite people ... he comes with a spike collar and all ... now he and i are on alert.

[the rancher's wife] told me a story about a developmentally slow kid who moved out this way, not too long ago ... maybe 40 miles from here ... he was murdered at his home ... found hog-tied and hanged from the front porch.

prowler beware ... if i encounter somebody in the dark tonight, inside the house yard, i put your chances at zero.

unknown excrement

found some unknown excrement outside, 5 ft from the house ... inside the fence ... maybe a coyote ... i did hear a coyote call last night at about 3 am ... looks like it has fur in it ... however ... then i noticed that the side gate was open ... it has a chain, and a post that slides into a ring ... it was open, and a wooden post that had been leaning against the top of the open gate was thrown outward to the ground ... hmmm ... not sure a cow or the wind could do that ... somebody might have been snooping around ... possibly last night ... i found a couple wipe marks on a back window like a hat brim accidentally hit the window and brushed the dust off ... and if i wanted to sneak up on this house it would be from the back road where that gate is ... hmmm, we'll see ... i have multiple loaded firearms surrounding me when i am at the computer ... so no big deal ... but i might just chamber a round in one or two of them in the evening hours when i can't hear what's going on because i have dylan too loud ... hahhahahah...

[the rancher's wife] brought it to my attention the other day ... that i am three miles off the nearest highway, in the middle of nowhere, in a house that is not visible from the street, and miles from the nearest neighbor ... if somebody knocks at the door at night, especially if i didn't see lights drive up, i will take precautions.

i remember a period of time in my life years ago ... i was living in a shady motel for a couple of months with my first cat while my living arrangement and job unravelled ... it was in the middle of the night (also about 3 am), when somebody knocked at the door ... i don't know what i was thinking ... but before i did think i had opened the door ... and was asked if i was [me] by a middle aged white guy ... i said yes, and was promptly served.

i will not do that again ... it might not be papers next time.

living in opposite world

everything is a con ...
everything is gmo unless you buy organic ...
everything is double unless you opt out ...
everything is less than you hoped, thought, expected, were led to believe.

it's the lenses which cost extra.
it's the box spring which costs extra.
it's the shrinking size.

it's the fake, less than 100%, imitation, plastic, everything.
it's the off-white footnotes at the bottom of the ad.
it's the double meaning, double speaking, improper urban vernacular and yet defensible lawyer speak.

it's everything ...
that which i repudiate.

I heard David Gregory a couple of weeks ago on Meet the Press use the present tense to describe a past event; and then describe the current situation using the past tense.

i have my eyes on all of you ... i will wait you out ... all of you.
i see you ... even if you successfully hide it from everybody else ... i see you.
this lie, these secrets, our fall into fascism.
the art of success ... where everything is a lie.
chief's overtime.

wishing for gloves

ask and ye shall receive ... i have agreed to help clean up a friend's rental trailer today ... i was just thinking, damn, i wish i had purchased those gloves the other day ... the grey cloth type with the rubber dots ... i used to use those when i was doing the furniture moving gig ...

fifteen minutes later, i am in the kitchen, i turn around, and there is a brand new pair, up on the wall, just as desired.

they are undoubtedly [the rancher's] gloves... i will take care of them or replace them (they cost maybe $3).

sweet.

homemade apple pie

talk about being at the right place at the right time ... i had to go to town to get a few things, and i stopped by [the rancher's] other home on the way ... it turned out that he needed something taken care of also in town ... so, in exchange for taking care of a little paperwork for him, [the rancher's wife] baked me an entire homemade apple pie ... using apples from their tree. it's fantastic.

i remember hearing that david bowie once said that people will one day crave the feel of wood ... as if seeking authenticity within an increasingly artificial and sterile world.

i imagine that is a lot like coffee, pie, and ice cream ... where value is determined by context ... and contrast.

i think i'll have another slice now.

party colors at presidential debate

obama is wearing red, romney is wearing blue ... is today the day the parties switch back? ... because both candidates didn't get it wrong ... they both knew which color tie the other guy was wearing tonight (second 2012 presidential debate).

hahahaha ... it's the matrix ... a deja vue type glitch ...

Party colors at first 2012 presidential debate
republicans RED                   democrats blue

Party colors switch at second 2012 presidential debate
republicans blue                 democrats RED



instead, the talk is all about the fingers ... (the manufactured theme)

Party colors switch back at third 2012 presidential debate

republicans RED              democrats blue

remember ... historically, republicans are blue tending towards fascism ... while democrats are red tending towards communism ...

the reason it is not that way today is because the us has been living in opposite world since 2000.

https://sites.google.com/site/erikhawkes/Home/red-is-blue